Dear Radio Katwe readers and fellow Ugandans,

When the big old cat is away, the mice come out to play, so they say. So here we are frolicking all over the place having got a few unexpected days off. We saw the "revolutionary", the one and only Yoweri "Kaguta" Museveni off to Nigeria, possibly for intensive lessons on advanced methods of oil revenue theft - what else?

By the way, his travels always come at great expense to us Ugandans though you may not immediately feel it, and to the business community as their activities are severely disrupted.

Whenever he travels the PGB have to deploy troops all over Entebbe, patrol the lake up to a distance where the presidential jet will have acquired a flying height of more than 15,000 feet to avoid what he did to the late Juvenal Habyarimana. This is why no fishermen are allowed on the lake for almost 24hrs counting the duration of pre- and post-departure measures. We take over the whole area starting a day earlier and do not stand down until the plane is out of Uganda's air space. The Baganda have a saying which starts "kyokola munno..." loosely translated to mean, what you do to others you do not want it to be done to you.

Well that is not part of my brief today but at a later stage (not today), I will bring out what transpired regarding the assasination of former Rwandan President Juvenal Habyarimana. Wait for this one, it will rock the town!

However, I beg your forbearance, we have solemn business to attend to: today, as members of the PGB, UPDF and FRONASA, we salute the recently departed Mrs Gertrude Byanyima and extend our sincere condolences to the family of Mzee Boniface Byanyima. May God rest her soul in eternal peace.

We shall not behave like our Commander-in-Chief (CIC) who has failed to outgrow his village/bush mentality even after leaving the literal bush 22 years ago. This is once again a sign of poor personal grooming and a warning to all sycophants that you are dealing with a man who will use and dump you without any consideration for whatever service you may be rendering him. Ask Dr. Kizza Besigye who used to treat this chap 'after 3 days' (those concerned know what I mean).

Kizza Besigya has displayed admirable discipline and behaved very professionally by upholding the doctors oath to serve and protect the interests of the patient. Otherwise Ugandans would have been shocked if one day he had opened his mouth and spoken about his bush patient.

It is unfortunate but the fact is there was no way that the one and only "revolutionary" would have attended the burial of our mother the late Gertrude Byanyima (RIP). The PGB head of operations and deployment was busy making preparations to send the advance team to Nyamitanga and Ruti in Mbarara but it was clear he was just going through the motions. We all knew there was going to be no presidential entourage.

Yoweri can never go to any ceremony where Mzee Byanyima has an opportunity to address those attending. Whether it be a funeral, a wedding, a party, or any gathering you can think of. But you can be sure he will be the first one to attend the funeral of Mzee Byanyima if (God forbid) it happens before his, to tell more lies while secretly venting his relief that another one of those who know him in and out has left never to come back.

For truth be told, there are only a handful of Ugandans who know the true Yoweri Museveni, some of them have died, we can name the likes of Dr Obote, Idi Amin, Paulo Mwanga, James Wapakhabulo, Mwesigwa "Black" William, Martin Mwesigwa, and now our mother Gertrude Byanyima. Among the living to name but a few: Chris Rwakasisi, 'Mr. Smarts' Amana Mbabazi, Kizza Besigya and yours truly. The rest of the people who claim they have been with Museveni (and this includes all Ugandans) just do not know who Yoweri is. Fellow citizens, it is not to belittle anybody or claim some sort of privilege - it is defintely not!, but the truth is, you have no idea!

Do not ever be surprised fellow Ugandans when you see Museveni being the first to run to any of the funerals of those persons I have mentioned above crying crocodile tears as was witnessed when Obote died.

If - God forbid - Chris Rwakasisi died today, you would without delay see Yoweri at the funeral in Rukungiri shedding crocodile tears and claiming Rwakasisi was a good man who unfortunately was "misled by the Obote's", even as he praises satan under his breath for the death, since there is one less person of those who really know him.

So for those sycophants (you know yourselves), in PGB, UPDF, Police, ISO, ESO, CMI, NRM, MPs, and others, this is free advice that as sure and night follows day, Yoweri will use you as long as he needs you, but you will be cast aside and forgotten when you outlive your usefulness. You may walk tall and proud now but I tell you, you will fall. Count on it. Ask the Kabaka.

Which normal person can fail to turn up for his mothers funeral when he has all the means to do so? The Byanyimas', as those of us who are fully aware know, are the only family who looked after Yoweri the boy and his mother.

Yoweri had no home and you may remember in one of my earlier articles I narrated how at boarding school in Ntare, Yoweri used to make trouble at the end of term on purpose so that the headmaster punishes him by detaining him at the school during holidays - why - because he had no home to go to!

Mzee Byanyima took Yoweri and his mother who were destitute and wandering the streets of Mbarara town, into his home. And this is how you repay him, by beating a hasty 'escape' in his time of grief? Well, as they say, every dog has its day.

Every family has its black sheep, those brothers and sisters who no matter the situation always manage to end up on the wrong side of things. But when a close relative passes on - an aunt, or uncle let alone a father or mother, we all turn up for the funeral. We do not claim we are too busy doing stuff in Kampala. Such behaviour is the province of true outcasts and hopeless misfits.

This claim that Yoweri had to travel to Nigeria for official duties is undiluted nonsense! Even in an extreme emergency - of which there was none - this trip could have been pushed back by a few hours to allow Yoweri to fly to the burial and back to Entebbe by helicopter, then go off to Abuja arriving at night, with only the slightest inconvenience if at all to his host, (since we are reliably informed that the Ugandan president is not the only one who likes conducting 'important business' deep in the the night when normal people are asleep).

All these so-called state visits Yoweri has made in the last 22 years, have Ugandans seen any state to state development to speak of in Uganda? Apart from our so-called friend Gaddafi and other shady "investors" coming here to buy things chini chini what does Yoweri have to show for the multiple millions of dollars of tax payers money he spends on foreign travel? So what is so special about a visit to Nigeria? All meaningful investment and development in Uganda is by private investors or NGOs. I am yet to hear of a meaningful government-to-government investment project apart from those from China. In the rest we Ugandans lose because Yoweri just gives things to people like his fellow "revolutionary" Col. Gadaffi with no benefit to national interests.

Well the reason Yoweri cannot be near Mzee Byanyima has to do with his uncouth manners, sordid past and his fear that the upright, fearless and plain spoken Mzee Byanyima will expose him as a killer, dishonorable person and a liar.

Which reminds me about the stories Yoweri used to tell us during our days in Tanzania when we were idle and waiting for our next warthog meal:

Do Ugandans remember the wild rumours that used to sweep the city about how Yoweri was capable of changing into a cat to avoid capture? This story was started in Tanzania by Yoweri himself to create a myth that he was this invincible, almost supernatural warrior with magical powers.

When we were in Tanzania, Yoweri used to vanish from time to time and we just did not know where he had disappeared to. Only to reappear with all sorts of wild tales that he had gone to visit powerful witch doctors on the islands of Zanzibar and Pemba and had acquired this amazing ability to turn himself into a cat to avoid capture.

However there is one particular story which used to make us laugh so hard and wonder why Yoweri took us for fools, as he still does today. He claimed that on his way to Pemba, he had met an animal like an antelope but with only three legs and that it had only one big eye in the front of its head. He claimed this creature had helpfully directed him as to who was the best witch doctor on the island. Ladies and gentlemen, all this narrated with a straight face! (Capt. Vincent, whatever the comrade used to smoke in hiding must have been very good stuff! -Editor)

One day, one of our colleagues the late Raiti Omongin told Yoweri to stop this habit of telling childish lies as it was uncalled for, and the rest, as you may be aware is now painful history. May your soul rest in peace Raiti. One of these days I will come back to the disappearance of our colleague Raiti Omongin.

So Ugandans, no one knows their day but should fate dictate that our father Mzee Byanyima goes before Yoweri (God forbid), it can be safely predicated that till that time, Yoweri will move heaven and earth to avoid his company, but will be sure to attend the funeral only to tell more lies and distort history, as is the practice of his type who have lots of skeletons to hide.

Before I go, I would like to quickly say something about what is now happening in the UPDF. As solders -- both officers and rank and file -- become increasingly disgruntled about their general welfare: poor wages, poor education for our children, poor medical facilities, our Commander-in-Chief, in a bid to pre-empt any attempt by the army to sort him out is as always using short term populist solutions that will create even more disgruntlement in future.

Every other day, he is busy making haphazard promotions in the officer ranks, with no plan or due consideration. The predictable result has been an increase in problems, headaches and confusion for the finance and personnel departments.

In fact, we are getting intelligence information that senior commanders are not at all happy with these misguided, populist decisions, which are apparently being done on the fly and not channeled through the army Promotions Board.

Some senior commanders who now view the CIC with disgust and contempt have gone further to joke that as Yoweri meets and surpasses Mobutu's infamous exploits, the UPDF will eventually have more generals and offices than privates like the former Zairean (Congolese) army.

Well, enough for today, we meet again soon.

  Nov 25 2008

  Nov 26 2008